I remember hearing a while back something about Wesley snipes taking on Joe Rogan in an exhibition match, Id have loved to see that, I was wondering how the action stars of today would fare in a fantasy MMA tournament so heres some of my thoughts, not entirely serious though I would genuinely like to see some of these guys fight.
Steven Seagal
Strengths
Speed
Submissions
Aikido
Weaknesses
Kelly Le Brock
The Ring Girls
Pies
Age
Guitars
Jokes aside this guy in his prime would have been pretty devastating in the UFC, remember before acting he ran his own dojos is schooled in various martial arts and has a very good ground game (which isnt usual for a hollywood actor), the guy is no joke, obviously now hes well past it but id still love to see him come back and compete, got to be better than his straight to video crappy films these days
Chuck Norris
Strengths
Tears rumoured to be the cure for cancer but as he never cries we will never know
Most devastating staredown in the history of MMA, most opponents wilt before the fight begins
Karate
Roundhouse kick
Weaknesses
Are you kidding me? this man has no weaknesses hes not even human..oh ok heres some
Age
Beard
Walker Texas Ranger
Bruce Lee
How would Chuck do, hes actually well schooled standing and on the ground, aside from his age hes in pretty good nick, hes competed before, he's actually pretty solid, I'd have him as one of the favourites in a fantasy tournament as long as he can avoid Bruce Lee in the early rounds.
Arnie
Strengths
Muscles you could play basketball with
Accent
Governator - he wont just destroy you in the cage, watch out for stealth taxes and a devastating electoral campaign
Punches so hard you wont be out of hospital until T5 comes out.
Weaknesses
Anyone in a skirt, including scotsmen and Maoris
Intentional Comedy (well Kindergarten Cop was fun
)
Ground game
Cheesy One Liners
Age
Obviously hes strong and intensely competitive, if he ever did do MMA I have no doubt he'd train his butt off, I would assume knockout power too and have even seen him through some kicks in the past so his standup is probably quite dangerous, would have to give him a punchers chance, I would expect him to give up a leg easily and be submitted by kneebar or anklelock (similar to Brock) but as ground and pound potentially dangerous.
Wesley Snipes
Strengths
Focused Power
Cooler than ice
Can daywalk
Katana
Weaknesses
Age
Taxmen
Wesley has got some great standup probably knockout power and some very nice technical striking, hes getting on a bit but he'd have to fancy his chances.
Sylvester Stallone
Strengths
M16, Ak47, Apache Gunship, Minigun, M60, Knives
Great boxing
Adddddddddddriiiiiannnnn
Weaknesses
Rat Burgers
David Carradine
He got back in shape for Rambo, great boxing not much to say on a ground game, good grappling and control but obviously David Carradine has a huge advantage with a previous victory and superior driving abilities so he would want to avoid that matchup.
David Carradine
Strengths
Grasshopper Stance
Experience
Weaknesses
Exploding Heart Technique
Age
Honestly I think he'd get taken apart by just about all of the fantasy tournament fighters, not just because of his age, his Kung Fu was always a bit girly if im honest! That may have been more about 70s production values but who knows.
Jackie Chan
Strengths
Acrobatic
Agile
Good chin
Worldclass usage of props
Kung Fu
Weaknesses
Strength
Age
Jackie is a gamer, hes tough and can take massive punishment but his bodies been busted up way too much over the years, its more than likely he'd break something in the first round and the fight would have to be stopped, though knowing Jackie he wouldnt say anything and keep on attacking. His standup is based on speed and accuracy but no real power so cant see him finishing a fight though could win a decision assuming his body held up.
Bruce Lee
Strengths
Hes Bruce Lee
1 inch punch (personally I prefer my 8 inch punch but I save that for the ladies, oh yes I went there
)
Weaknesses
Might have some problems scheduling a fight due to erm obvious reasons.
Bruce Lee was the original MMA guy, not only did he have speedy, KO power striking, he invented his own martial art and has excellent submissions in his arsenal too. Would be one of the favourites with a history of beating bigger stronger opponents. As Game of Death showed us being dead is clearly not a problem for him as long as he has some awful editing. He'd be my pick.
Bruce Willis
Strengths
One Liners
Vests
Stairwell neckbreaker - one of Bruces many special moves.
Weaknesses
No ground game
Dodgy ticker
Age
Jessica Alba
Bruce is an old fashioned slugger, great chin and dynamite in his hands, never count him out, he lists Chris Leben as fighter he'd most like to emulate. In reality would last about 30 seconds against anyone that has takedowns, a ground game or kicks.
Van Damme
Strengths
Can do the splits thus enabling him to add a new technique to the Karma Sutra
Can take a coconut to the chest better than any man
Vicious splits / c**kpunch combo dubbed "the vasectomy"
Actually was a kickboxing champion
Serious ballet skills
Weaknesses
Gymnasts Apparel (seriously did you see how camp he looked in double impact?
)
Las Vegas - Season 1 - Motorbikes
Belgian
Genuine tournament experience and a european champion hes actually pretty good, though well past it, like Seagal hes now in the straight to video category, he'd probably be one to watch. Undisputed ballet skills which may or may not be much use in the cage. (Anderson Silva was quoted as saying "Jean Claude has dangerous pirouettes and his swanlake scares me senseless!)
Clint Eastwood
Strengths
A staredown that rivals Chuck Norris intensity it is said that if these two were to meet that the basic laws of physics would not actually permit them to touch gloves.
Can use the legendary line "Do you feel lucky punk?" to intimidate the majority of opponents
Has a huge weapon (calm down ladies I meant his magnum)
Good chin
Weaknesses
No ground game
Age
Orangutan wins the majority of his fights for him, if pets are not allowed in the octagon hes in trouble
Barring an assist from Clyde I think Clint would be in trouble early, no ground game to speak of and his standup is at best slugging. Possibly give him a punchers chance.
Ralph Macchio
Strengths
One legged silly kick of doom
Tremendous Heart
Elisabeth Shue
Wax on Wax off
Weaknesses
Weaker than weaky weakling mcweaks weaker sister
No ground game
With Pat Morita in his corner you've got to take this guy seriously, he has an incredibly dangerous "one legged silly kick" which somehow confuses opponents so they dont telegraph it 5 minutes away and once he does it your already doomed.
Sean Faris
Strengths
erm....erm well... erm, ok im struggling here?
Weaknesses
Too many to list
Would be destroyed by all other competitors, at the last annual geriatrics convention for the over 75s the "which action star would we whup" poll came back with a resounding 88% votes in favour of Sean Faris. Though one octagenarian claimed "I'd piss on that boy" this was later put down to rampant incontinence rather than a genuine offer of a matchup.
Ok I havent seen the film yet, I'll probably enjoy it, just when I look at this guy I think Joey Scarola
.
I was bored at work and needed cheering up so wrote this little piece, tell me what you think, hope it made some of you smile at least! So any other action stars past or present you'd like to see?