Favorite Lines From Stand-Up Comedians
- Thread starter Nastycrow
- Start date
"Yesterday I hit a little kid with my car, but it wasn't serious.
"Nobody saw me"
-- Anthony Jeselnik--
"My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable ,so cute. She won't let me hold him, she refuses . She says " no way Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him." I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot.
"like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby" --Anthony Jeselnik--
Bucho said:
Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -
Steven Wright
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Some other nuggets from Stephen.
"ok, so whats the speed of dark?"
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire"
""Half the people you know are below average"
"Whats another word for Thesaurus?"
Awesome.
Because not eating meat is a decision. Eating meat is an instinct! Yeah! And I know what it's about.
"I don't want to eat the meat because I love the animals. I love the animals."
Hey, I love the animals too. I love my doggy. He's so cute. My fluffy little dog.. He's so cute- There's the problem. We only want to save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we just have animal auditions. Line 'em up one by one and interview them individually.
"What are you?" "I'm an otter." "And what do you do?" "I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands." "You're free to go."
"And what are you?" "I'm a cow." "Get in the f---ing truck, ok pal!" "But I'm an animal." "You're a baseball glove! Get on that truck!" "I'm an animal, I have rights!" "Yeah, here's yer f---ing cousin, get on the f---ing truck, pal!" - Denis Leary
So we're trying to breed Sluggo and get pick of the litter, so we put him with the female dog for a week. And to make sure it takes, we take him to the vet and they do the artificial insemination, and now it don't take s--- to get Sluggo to go to the vet!
So the last time we go there, the lady says, "Mr. White, if you'll just come with me, I'll show you how to do this, so next time you don't have to bring the dog, you can just bring the sperm." "No, you go ahead and jack off the dog, he follows me around too much as it is."
He'll be following me around like, "Jack me off! Jack me off! You did it once!"
Do it yourself.
"I don't have any thumbs. I don't have any goddamn thumbs! Now jack me off, you piece of s---!"
Do we talk to Daddy like that?
"Please? Please, jack me off, you piece of s---, I don't have any goddamn thumbs." -Ron White
You don’t need no gun control.
You know what you need? We need some bullet control.
Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right.
l think all bullets should cost 5000 dollars.
5000 dollars for a bullet. You know why?
‘Cause if a bullet costs 5000 dollars, there’d be no more innocent bystanders.
That’d be it.
Every time somebody gets shot, people will be like,
“Damn, he must have did something.”
“s---, they put 50,000 dollars worth of bullets in his ***.”
And people would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost 5000 dollars.
“Man, l would blow your f---ing head off, if l could afford it.”
“l’m gonna get me another job, l’m gonna start saving some money… and you’re a dead man.”
“You better hope l can’t get no bullets on layaway.”
So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won’t have to go to no doctor to get it taken out: whoever shot you would take their bullet back.
“l believe you got my property?!”
-chris rock
CD816 said:
Because not eating meat is a decision. Eating meat is an instinct! Yeah! And I know what it's about.
"I don't want to eat the meat because I love the animals. I love the animals."
Hey, I love the animals too. I love my doggy. He's so cute. My fluffy little dog.. He's so cute- There's the problem. We only want to save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we just have animal auditions. Line 'em up one by one and interview them individually.
"What are you?" "I'm an otter." "And what do you do?" "I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands." "You're free to go."
"And what are you?" "I'm a cow." "Get in the f---ing truck, ok pal!" "But I'm an animal." "You're a baseball glove! Get on that truck!" "I'm an animal, I have rights!" "Yeah, here's yer f---ing cousin, get on the f---ing truck, pal!" - Denis Leary
Click to expand...
I was in tears on that one .
Forgot how good a stand up act he is
Here's one
"I just got a gay roommate. But I got ground rules.
I'm like, "You gotta stay on your side of the shower"
And if he doesn't, no more back rubs".
--Mike Burbilia--
Legit Threat said:
I was in tears on that one .
Forgot how good a stand up act he is
Here's one
"I just got a gay roommate. But I got ground rules.
I'm like, "You gotta stay on your side of the shower"
And if he doesn't, no more back rubs".
--Mike Burbilia--
Click to expand...
Leary was/is hilarious. No Cure for Cancer is one of the greatest stand up shows ever. Total classic
"My dads been having a hard time lately.
Keeps on losing his keys, he can't hold on to a set of keys to save his life.
And he's tried everything too.
Little hook next to the door , little bowl next to the bed,
A keychain that makes a noise when you whistle.
Nothing worked, So finally this year for his birthday the whole family chipped in
- and we put him in a home-
--Anthony Jezelnic--
"If you came to my house and were like " man, I'm thirsty, got any thing to drink?
And I'm like well let's see, we got some Ketchup some gravy,some of my grandmas pi$$ ,SUNNY D!!
You'd be like "Is there any lead in your water ? Because I hate all 4 of those things.
" Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clowns a--hole am I right?
Someone said I like the taste of Orange juice & baby medicine, can we combine that?
--Kyle Cease--
Thanks for the setup, CD816.
...No Cure for Cancer is one of the greatest stand up shows ever. Total classic
Click to expand...
It would have been better if Bill Hicks had performed it. Leary's material prior to No Cure was average at best.
No Cure comes out and its a transformation of Leary. Denis is remarkably similar to Hicks in tone, attitude and persona - and jokes.
Which leads me to one of my favorites passages by a standup comedian.
"I have a scoop for you. I stole his [Leary's] act. I camouflaged it with punch-lines, and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did." - Bill Hicks.
A couple from Amy Schumer
I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.”
I hate false advertising, like 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear.