An Essex girl goes to the local social benefits office to claim her family allowance, and tells the officers that she has ten children. ‘Wow!’ says the clerk. ‘What are their names?’ ‘Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne,’ the woman answers, smiling proudly. The man looks at her dubiously. ‘Really?’ he says. ‘So what if you want them to come in from playing outside?’ ‘That's easy – I just shout Wayne and they all come running,’ answers the woman. The clerk is not convinced. ‘And what if you want them to come to the table for dinner?’ he asks. ‘Again,’ says the claimant, ‘I just shout ' Wayne – dinner's ready!'’ ‘But wait a minute,’ says the man, his brow furrowed. ‘What if you just want one of them to do something?’ ‘That is slightly more difficult,’ says the woman, nodding. ‘Then I have to use their last names.’
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One cold winter evening, an elderly couple wander into a fast-food restaurant. As the young families look on, the old gent walks up to the counter, orders a meal and then pays. Taking a seat next to his wife, he slowly unwraps the plain burger and cuts it in two – placing one half in front of his beloved. Then, he carefully divides the fries into two piles: one for him, one for her. As the man takes a few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless – this is obviously a couple who’ve been together for decades, and all they can afford is a single meal. Eventually, a young onlooker wanders over and offers to buy another meal. ‘We’re just fine, thanks,’ says the pensioner. ‘After 50 years, we’re used to sharing everything.’ Then the young man notices that the little old lady hasn’t eaten a bite of her portion. Instead, while her husband wolfs down his half, she sits and occasionally sips the drink. ‘Ma'am,’ says the young chap. ‘Why aren't you eating? Your husband says you share everything. What are you waiting for?’ Over horn-rimmed glasses, she looks back at him. ‘The teeth,’ she says.
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The Wall A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Fishbien," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. " "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a f---in' wall."
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Wife's Breakup Letter
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother...was born Carla.
PSS. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
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Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s---."
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A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate lovemaking. The woman suddenly turns up her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you." "Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?" the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!"
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy
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