Tales of Everyday Life

[Ulf Murphy]

The problem is that I take care of literally everything outside of the car payment (she wanted a new car, I paid for $16,000 of it and she is monthly payments on the rest), occasionally groceries and her medical debt. Though, I have paid at least $20,000 out of pocket for MRIs and surgeries that required cash up front.

I even took over our daughters medical and entertainment stuff.

Which is fine by me... but then, at random times she'll pull the, "i didn't keep track of things, so I'll need to borrow $800"

Or, "my substitute teaching check is coming next week, so I'll need you to front me $450 and I'll pay you next Wednesday, if you don't my credit will be ruined"


She'll say, "it was a mistake, people make mistakes!" Or, "it's because of my MS, I can't keep track of things!"

Weird how she can make unlimited mistakes, but if I made any of the same mistakes we'd lose or home or have the power shut off.


That's what I mean by the rowboat analogy.

Dave Ramsey says (and I agree) that truly married couples do not have "my money" and "her money". Separate money will always come with separate problems and you are either in fully or you are protecting something and never really in it (the marriage that is).

Take it for what it is, but if you are both not on the same page about money at all times, then this issue will only go deeper and you will push further apart as the expenses of her illness get much, much bigger than they are right now.

 

[Ulf Murphy]

@bconcrete I cannot find where you put that post about church, but I am both grateful that you shared with us and happy that you have not put yourself into a place of resentment over either the job or the marriage. Either places would be easy to go to with both causing frustration and I hope you that the light you found at church as someone to be seen as a mentor allows you the happiness to find the peace you deserve.

 

[Eranys]

Woke up at 1pm this afternoon smoked a fag drank a monster played some James Bond then ordered a take away went back to bed for a couple off hours and now back up again all in all a good Monday

Ah yes, the type of days that one looks back upon from their deathbed and thinks, "Yes, my life has been well lived and has fulfilled me on multiple levels".

 

[Ulf Murphy]

So after Dadvice sharing, I feel like I need to talk a bit.

I am in a funk and it is the dumbest funk I have ever been in. I just got back from a great vacation. Business is doing great. Relationships are solid. Money in the bank for rainy day and whatnot. Got some beach time yesterday.

And I cannot sleep. Even on vacation I didn't sleep well. And I do not know why.

I sleep one solid night and one shite night. Every other day I go from 7 good hours to 4. I cannot exist on 4 hours sleep. So last week at work, every other day, I lost 4+ hours to my mind racing and doing anything but work Today is the same. First of the month is usually a10-12 hour actual work day. Its 5:30pm here and I have about 2 hours done and do not care. I just cannot keep my mind straight. Fell asleep on the couch last night at 9. woke up at 9:15 and was up to midnight before I felt like I could sleep again. Dog jumped on me at 1:23. Had to pee. Up until 3:43 brain rotting. Slept until the sun came up at 5:40 ish. Got out of bed and struggled to finish a mile walk at a pace that made the dog happy (15 month old lab, so we walk pretty quickly). No chance I am working out tonight. Have gained 20 pounds in 2 months even counting calories, below 2500 most days. Doctor says blood work is ok for the major health concerns and to just move more and power through. Then he offered psych help, ffs.

I am at a loss. Thoughts?

 

[LoneCowboy]

So after Dadvice sharing, I feel like I need to talk a bit.

I am in a funk and it is the dumbest funk I have ever been in. I just got back from a great vacation. Business is doing great. Relationships are solid. Money in the bank for rainy day and whatnot. Got some beach time yesterday.

And I cannot sleep. Even on vacation I didn't sleep well. And I do not know why.

I sleep one solid night and one shite night. Every other day I go from 7 good hours to 4. I cannot exist on 4 hours sleep. So last week at work, every other day, I lost 4+ hours to my mind racing and doing anything but work Today is the same. First of the month is usually a10-12 hour actual work day. Its 5:30pm here and I have about 2 hours done and do not care. I just cannot keep my mind straight. Fell asleep on the couch last night at 9. woke up at 9:15 and was up to midnight before I felt like I could sleep again. Dog jumped on me at 1:23. Had to pee. Up until 3:43 brain rotting. Slept until the sun came up at 5:40 ish. Got out of bed and struggled to finish a mile walk at a pace that made the dog happy (15 month old lab, so we walk pretty quickly). No chance I am working out tonight. Have gained 20 pounds in 2 months even counting calories, below 2500 most days. Doctor says blood work is ok for the major health concerns and to just move more and power through. Then he offered psych help, ffs.

I am at a loss. Thoughts?

Rub one out.

Post nut clarity and all that

 

[ABB]

100%

Staging is worth every penny

Buyers have ZERO imagination , zero.

Why can't we do both things at once???? Dammit
You're right

you can do what most normal people do and have a garage sale before listing the house.

Funny story LC - one time I did a few quick repairs on a house getting ready to go on the market while it was being staged. The staging looked beautiful. So beautiful that the homeowner Airbnb'd it for the weekend as it was set to go on market the following week, and the Airbnb renters fucking trashed the place by having a massive party.

The staging contractor absolutely lost his shit. All his dishware was in the sing with crusty shit on it, furniture had stains, artwork was broken, dude was red hot and screaming at the top of his gay lungs

 

[LoneCowboy]

One thing I really noticed when looking at houses is most people have way too much stuff

Most realtors are lazy as all hack and just come in and take pictures of whatever mess you're living in and it looks awful and it doesn't show well

Take 2 days and pick up all your c*** and put in boxes and hide it in the closet and then easily cut your furniture in half or maybe more you need some furniture to show how big the room is but generally have people have way too much stuff and it makes the room look small

You don't want something that's totally empty either because again people have no imagination and they can't see how big the room is so having like a bed and a nightstand in a bedroom gives everybody a good idea of how big the room is

One thing I did see in the house that was totally empty is they had put that blue painter's tape on the floor and put down different bed sizes so they had like Queen or king and they had it all laid out on the floor so you had a real good visual idea of how big the room was without the room looking overstocked like most people have all their c***

If you can't afford staging just clean the place up and get rid of most of the crab and it will look 10 times better and only then let the lazy realtor take pictures

 

[LoneCowboy]

you can do what most normal people do and have a garage sale before listing the house.

Funny story LC - one time I did a few quick repairs on a house getting ready to go on the market while it was being staged. The staging looked beautiful. So beautiful that the homeowner Airbnb'd it for the weekend as it was set to go on market the following week, and the Airbnb renters fucking trashed the place by having a massive party.

The staging contractor absolutely lost his shit. All his dishware was in the sing with crusty shit on it, furniture had stains, artwork was broken, dude was red hot and screaming at the top of his gay lungs

Holy c*** I bet he charged for that yeah I would have lost my head to

I had actually lived in my place for 18 years and the stager came and staged it and everybody who came over you know with the open house where neighbors and stuff and friends and they were all like is this your house cause it doesn't look like it it was transformative

 

[Eranys]

So after Dadvice sharing, I feel like I need to talk a bit.

I am in a funk and it is the dumbest funk I have ever been in. I just got back from a great vacation. Business is doing great. Relationships are solid. Money in the bank for rainy day and whatnot. Got some beach time yesterday.

And I cannot sleep. Even on vacation I didn't sleep well. And I do not know why.

I sleep one solid night and one shite night. Every other day I go from 7 good hours to 4. I cannot exist on 4 hours sleep. So last week at work, every other day, I lost 4+ hours to my mind racing and doing anything but work Today is the same. First of the month is usually a10-12 hour actual work day. Its 5:30pm here and I have about 2 hours done and do not care. I just cannot keep my mind straight. Fell asleep on the couch last night at 9. woke up at 9:15 and was up to midnight before I felt like I could sleep again. Dog jumped on me at 1:23. Had to pee. Up until 3:43 brain rotting. Slept until the sun came up at 5:40 ish. Got out of bed and struggled to finish a mile walk at a pace that made the dog happy (15 month old lab, so we walk pretty quickly). No chance I am working out tonight. Have gained 20 pounds in 2 months even counting calories, below 2500 most days. Doctor says blood work is ok for the major health concerns and to just move more and power through. Then he offered psych help, ffs.

I am at a loss. Thoughts?

Most of the things you describe sounds like me when I get hit with a wave of depression. I've always had something chemically off in my brain at various times, and my overseas experience certainly did not help that situation. Are you prone to depression? Or is this just insomnia?

 

[osubuckeye4]

Dave Ramsey says (and I agree) that truly married couples do not have "my money" and "her money". Separate money will always come with separate problems and you are either in fully or you are protecting something and never really in it (the marriage that is).

Take it for what it is, but if you are both not on the same page about money at all times, then this issue will only go deeper and you will push further apart as the expenses of her illness get much, much bigger than they are right now.

That's more or less what I've been trying to convey to her.

I'm not going to go the, "this is your allowance and the rest is MINE" route... all she needs to understand is that we're in the same boat and we gotta figure out at a way to get to shore.

For the first few years of our marriage she made more than I did, now I'm the breadwinner. It's fine and I don't expect her to pay 30% of the mortgage because she makes 30% of what I do... I do expect her to not go into crippling debt behind my back and then pull the, "I lost track of my money this month...so, now you need to wire me $1100 or else we can never co-sign on anything because my credit will go from bad to annihilated"

I don't think that is unreasonable on my end.

 

[bconcrete]

So after Dadvice sharing, I feel like I need to talk a bit.

I am in a funk and it is the dumbest funk I have ever been in. I just got back from a great vacation. Business is doing great. Relationships are solid. Money in the bank for rainy day and whatnot. Got some beach time yesterday.

And I cannot sleep. Even on vacation I didn't sleep well. And I do not know why.

I sleep one solid night and one shite night. Every other day I go from 7 good hours to 4. I cannot exist on 4 hours sleep. So last week at work, every other day, I lost 4+ hours to my mind racing and doing anything but work Today is the same. First of the month is usually a10-12 hour actual work day. Its 5:30pm here and I have about 2 hours done and do not care. I just cannot keep my mind straight. Fell asleep on the couch last night at 9. woke up at 9:15 and was up to midnight before I felt like I could sleep again. Dog jumped on me at 1:23. Had to pee. Up until 3:43 brain rotting. Slept until the sun came up at 5:40 ish. Got out of bed and struggled to finish a mile walk at a pace that made the dog happy (15 month old lab, so we walk pretty quickly). No chance I am working out tonight. Have gained 20 pounds in 2 months even counting calories, below 2500 most days. Doctor says blood work is ok for the major health concerns and to just move more and power through. Then he offered psych help, ffs.

I am at a loss. Thoughts?

Just a thought, but have you considered it's BECAUSE life is going so well?

Look at your life, and all that you've done and built. Id venture a guess and say that you've always been mission-oriented, pointed at the next thing. Whether that be building a business, being a dad, finances, whatever you've always been going and aimed at something. For decades.

So what does one do when there is no mountain left to climb and you're on the summit? You'd think it'd be easy to unplug and enjoy the fruits of what you've built, but that's not how you've spent so long programming your brain. So now it sounds like it's looking for the next thing to focus on, causing the wheels to spin.

Maybe your next challenge is to teach yourself how to loosen your grip on the wheel and relax. We spend so long trying to reach goals, were very ill prepared for what to do with ourselves once we reach them.

Just a thought. Sounds very similar to what my dad is going through being recently retired.

 

[Los Lobos]

So after Dadvice sharing, I feel like I need to talk a bit.

I am in a funk and it is the dumbest funk I have ever been in. I just got back from a great vacation. Business is doing great. Relationships are solid. Money in the bank for rainy day and whatnot. Got some beach time yesterday.

And I cannot sleep. Even on vacation I didn't sleep well. And I do not know why.

I sleep one solid night and one shite night. Every other day I go from 7 good hours to 4. I cannot exist on 4 hours sleep. So last week at work, every other day, I lost 4+ hours to my mind racing and doing anything but work Today is the same. First of the month is usually a10-12 hour actual work day. Its 5:30pm here and I have about 2 hours done and do not care. I just cannot keep my mind straight. Fell asleep on the couch last night at 9. woke up at 9:15 and was up to midnight before I felt like I could sleep again. Dog jumped on me at 1:23. Had to pee. Up until 3:43 brain rotting. Slept until the sun came up at 5:40 ish. Got out of bed and struggled to finish a mile walk at a pace that made the dog happy (15 month old lab, so we walk pretty quickly). No chance I am working out tonight. Have gained 20 pounds in 2 months even counting calories, below 2500 most days. Doctor says blood work is ok for the major health concerns and to just move more and power through. Then he offered psych help, ffs.

I am at a loss. Thoughts?

Ask AI???

 

[Eranys]

Ask AI???

You know you've made a splash when you get a clown, a pile of shit, and a middle finger within minutes of posting.

 

[Los Lobos]

You know you've made a splash when you get a clown, a pile of shit, and a middle finger within minutes of posting.

Well, I run all my medical stuff in the AI and its usually pretty accurate with all of my bloodwork etc. At the very least, it's helpful with giving suggestions on what I can do to help out a situation.

 

[Ulf Murphy]

Most of the things you describe sounds like me when I get hit with a wave of depression. I've always had something chemically off in my brain at various times, and my overseas experience certainly did not help that situation. Are you prone to depression? Or is this just insomnia?

My entire life I have been a pessimist, and prepared accordingly. That has lead to multiple bouts of depression and even some undiagnosed bi-polar where I can watch a comedy that has the morally good ending and I have to struggle from completely breaking down. Or hear a song that reminds me of one of deceased parents and makes me sob. I'm not in that place now, but I am not far from it ever. What have you done to help it?

Maybe your next challenge is to teach yourself how to loosen your grip on the wheel and relax. We spend so long trying to reach goals, were very ill prepared for what to do with ourselves once we reach them.

That makes it sound like a good thing, and that is hard for me to accept.

I am certainly going through a "realizing I am going to die phase", and unfortunately I am taking the wrong approach by ignoring my surroundings and staying in my head. That leads to two things. Ignoring my responsibilities and pining for what is next. Funnily I had a conversation with one of my clients yesterday about this. Retired NYC Sergeant. Retired at 62, now 88. Started fishing with his one friend in Long Island Sound. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Started golfing with another retired friend. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Sat around for about 6 months getting fat, as he said, so he went back to work. Worked at a grocery store for 5 years and hated it by the end. Then he moved to Florida with his now retired wife and watched the world leave him behind. His wife died a few years ago and now he is just waiting to join her. That certainly didn't help my frame of mind because that is me. I can fish, but am no fisherman. I can golf, but am no golfer. In fact, I left all my hobbies at the door to this business when we bought it. Most of my friends too.

I think a lot of this is processing what's next. Both kids are out of the house and are still dependent on us, but that is less and less every year thankfully. And like you said, everything else is pretty much running smoothly. I have not been at a place where I just have to do the day to day for a really, really long time and I am terrified that it will crumble. Part of me wants it to start crumbling so I have something to work for. Is that bad?

 

[LoneCowboy]

Funnily I had a conversation with one of my clients yesterday about this. Retired NYC Sergeant. Retired at 62, now 88. Started fishing with his one friend in Long Island Sound. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Started golfing with another retired friend. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Sat around for about 6 months getting fat, as he said, so he went back to work. Worked at a grocery store for 5 years and hated it by the end. Then he moved to Florida with his now retired wife and watched the world leave him behind. His wife died a few years ago and now he is just waiting to join her. That certainly didn't help my frame of mind because that is me. I can fish, but am no fisherman. I can golf, but am no golfer. In fact, I left all my hobbies at the door to this business when we bought it. Most of my friends too.

jeez, i'm depressed just reading that.

 

[osubuckeye4]

My entire life I have been a pessimist, and prepared accordingly. That has lead to multiple bouts of depression and even some undiagnosed bi-polar where I can watch a comedy that has the morally good ending and I have to struggle from completely breaking down. Or hear a song that reminds me of one of deceased parents and makes me sob. I'm not in that place now, but I am not far from it ever. What have you done to help it?

Occasional bouts of depression are normal and what I've heard others refer to as: "ordinary misery". As long as you are able to eventually recognize them and you don't allow them to consume you, there's really no need to hit the panic button. Take a 'this too shall pass' attitude and you'll bounce back eventually.


If you really think you might be bi-polar though, you might want to seek out professional help for that.

Note that I'm not suggesting that I think you have a mental health disorder (you haven't come across that way on here to me) and I wouldn't have said to think about seeking out help if you hadn't said you sometimes feel you have undiagnosed bi-polar.

If it's to the point where you're questioning it though, might want to get it looked at?

That makes it sound like a good thing, and that is hard for me to accept.

I am certainly going through a "realizing I am going to die phase", and unfortunately I am taking the wrong approach by ignoring my surroundings and staying in my head. That leads to two things. Ignoring my responsibilities and pining for what is next. Funnily I had a conversation with one of my clients yesterday about this. Retired NYC Sergeant. Retired at 62, now 88. Started fishing with his one friend in Long Island Sound. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Started golfing with another retired friend. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Sat around for about 6 months getting fat, as he said, so he went back to work. Worked at a grocery store for 5 years and hated it by the end. Then he moved to Florida with his now retired wife and watched the world leave him behind. His wife died a few years ago and now he is just waiting to join her. That certainly didn't help my frame of mind because that is me. I can fish, but am no fisherman. I can golf, but am no golfer. In fact, I left all my hobbies at the door to this business when we bought it. Most of my friends too.

I think a lot of this is processing what's next. Both kids are out of the house and are still dependent on us, but that is less and less every year thankfully. And like you said, everything else is pretty much running smoothly. I have not been at a place where I just have to do the day to day for a really, really long time and I am terrified that it will crumble. Part of me wants it to start crumbling so I have something to work for. Is that bad?

After reading this, I instantly thought of this classic meme:



For what it's worth, I think that what you're struggling with is what, if each of us are lucky enough to get there, just about everyone on the planet eventually struggles with when they hit a certain age (and it's a different age for everyone.. some people never get there).

There's unfortunately no one 'right' way to tackle this stuff. Most 'experts' preach stability/routine, but that's so much easier said than done... especially as things that you had previously built your rock solid routine around (raising kids, working/contributing towards your career, supporting a spouse) start to exit stage left one after another, even if you adhere to each of them perfectly.

End of the day, my solution has been stoicism. You got two buckets: shit you can control and shit you have no control over. You need to focus all your energy in the former and figure out a way to release time and energy spent on the later.

Easier said than done though... and based on my posting history it's pretty easy to point out that I'm a shitty stoic, because all I do is question and pontificate over things I have zero control over. I accept it though, and I do try to work on it and keep my hypervigilance tethered, as much as is possible, to the internet... and away from my actual life.


EDIT: After re-reading this, I'm not sure if any of this will help you sleep any better. My apologies if this was rambling nonsense.

 

[bconcrete]

My entire life I have been a pessimist, and prepared accordingly. That has lead to multiple bouts of depression and even some undiagnosed bi-polar where I can watch a comedy that has the morally good ending and I have to struggle from completely breaking down. Or hear a song that reminds me of one of deceased parents and makes me sob. I'm not in that place now, but I am not far from it ever. What have you done to help it?


That makes it sound like a good thing, and that is hard for me to accept.

I am certainly going through a "realizing I am going to die phase", and unfortunately I am taking the wrong approach by ignoring my surroundings and staying in my head. That leads to two things. Ignoring my responsibilities and pining for what is next. Funnily I had a conversation with one of my clients yesterday about this. Retired NYC Sergeant. Retired at 62, now 88. Started fishing with his one friend in Long Island Sound. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Started golfing with another retired friend. Buddy got bored and went back to work. Sat around for about 6 months getting fat, as he said, so he went back to work. Worked at a grocery store for 5 years and hated it by the end. Then he moved to Florida with his now retired wife and watched the world leave him behind. His wife died a few years ago and now he is just waiting to join her. That certainly didn't help my frame of mind because that is me. I can fish, but am no fisherman. I can golf, but am no golfer. In fact, I left all my hobbies at the door to this business when we bought it. Most of my friends too.

I think a lot of this is processing what's next. Both kids are out of the house and are still dependent on us, but that is less and less every year thankfully. And like you said, everything else is pretty much running smoothly. I have not been at a place where I just have to do the day to day for a really, really long time and I am terrified that it will crumble. Part of me wants it to start crumbling so I have something to work for. Is that bad?

I'll message you bud.

Give me a bit tho, things are crazy, but I have some thoughts.

 

[Brick]

This encapsulates my approach pretty well. I think after we die, there is nothing. Just oblivion, we are gone. Some people find that to be crippling (guy on the left), I find it to be liberating (guy on the right). No higher purpose, no reunited with loved ones, nothing like that. So I just live a good life, 'cause this is what we get, and probably all we get.

 

[osubuckeye4]

This encapsulates my approach pretty well. I think after we die, there is nothing. Just oblivion, we are gone. Some people find that to be crippling (guy on the left), I find it to be liberating (guy on the right). No higher purpose, no reunited with loved ones, nothing like that. So I just live a good life, 'cause this is what we get, and probably all we get.

It's funny because these days I'm pretty much the exact opposite, but have arrived at a similar conclusion.

I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and I do believe that thru his sacrifice that after I die I'll have eternal life in heaven.

I don't shout it from the rooftops, and I go out of my way to try not to get annoying about it (can't stand people who are annoying about their belief). If people ask me though, or if seems appropriate to bring up in the conversation, I'm proud to say it regardless of the consequences.

It's something I've admittedly gone back and forth on over my life, but awhile back it just clicked for me and I really haven't looked back since.

If I'm wrong about it, well I suppose the jokes on me and it wouldn't be the first thing I've been wrong about.

If I'm right... sweet, looking forward to eventually chillin in heaven.


Until then, I find there is really no point is really dwelling on it or worrying over it. You can't buy your way in with money or good deeds, belief is all that'll get you there. These days, I'm never worried that my belief will fade because I don't attach a bunch of weird conditions on it. It's not like, "if something bad happens that means I was wrong". I believe it, I've made my choice... what happens next is in the, "can't control that" bucket.


Poker analogy would be: I've pushed my chips all-in... and until the hand plays itself out I might as well enjoy my time in this casino of life.



(not trying to turn this into the religious thread, and I pinky promise I'm not gonna do some weird 180 on here where everything becomes about Jesus. Just felt appropriate to bring up in this particular post)