I am f---ing devastated...

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Andre3000
Date: November 30, 2008 at 11:07 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Archean_Life said:
I've only read these last few responses and haven't kept up with everything in this post, but the thought occurred to me that in some cases, the reason for a woman to dump a guy that she feels isn't "committed" to her is because she fears being dumped herself and confronting that pain as the dumper instead of dumpee seems easier. That may not always be the case, of course, but I have seen and experienced many situations where poor communication and/or fear results in an escalation of misunderstanding. It's something to consider anyway.
Click to expand...
Relationships are definitely complex, especially those that have lasted as long as Iceman's. I like Arch's approach of giving ideas for things to think about, rather than some people who are saying "do this" or "do that" or "this is what obviously happened".
My analysis of the situation, for what it's worth (I'm going with "very little") is that it was really nasty the way she left. A Dear John note after seven years is pretty harsh. Does it say something about her character? I don't know her well enough to say.
If she really left because she was getting sick of waiting for Iceman to propose, I don't see how that problem could still exist if Iceman told her about the Christmas Eve plan. Did you tell her about the Christmas Eve thing, Iceman?
Arch seems to be suggesting that communication is the key and, if that's the case, I agree 100%. Have you found out exactly why she did what she did (all the reasons, if there is more than one)? Have you told her exactly how you envisioned the next little while going?
You may already be past that, as it seems like you have talked to her since she left.
I really hope things work out for you, man. You have more strength and power right now than you probably think. Try to remember that.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Shaunissey
Date: November 30, 2008 at 11:38 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Brick said:
Pankratos said:
Hash it out, and fight for what you want. If she loves you, and if she really bailed for the reasons you posted, she'll likely come back to you.
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Disagree. Run like hell. RUN.
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I have to agree with Brick. Fighting for someone who has already left is bogus. If he were to get her back, it would only prove to her that ultimatum's are a viable option for the remainder of their relationship(even if her leaving was not intended as an ultimatum). If she has left, she is done, and therefore, he should also be done, and move forth with life.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Shaunissey
Date: November 30, 2008 at 11:40 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Shaunissey said:
Brick said:
Pankratos said:
Hash it out, and fight for what you want. If she loves you, and if she really bailed for the reasons you posted, she'll likely come back to you.
Click to expand...
Disagree. Run like hell. RUN.
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I have to agree with Brick. Fighting for someone who has already left is bogus. If he were to get her back, it would only prove to her that ultimatum's are a viable option for the remainder of their relationship(even if her leaving was not intended as an ultimatum). If she has left, she is done, and therefore, he should also be done, and move forth with life.
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Let me also clarify, it isn't just that she has left, but the fact that she did so with zero consideration for his opinion, or without even hearing him out after seven years. Had she talked it over, and decided to leave, that is different. But just waking up one day that he thinks is normal, and coming home to find her gone is something entirely different, and unworthy of efforts to get her back.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Brick
Date: November 30, 2008 at 11:48 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Shaunissey said:
Let me also clarify, it isn't just that she has left, but the fact that she did so with zero consideration for his opinion, or without even hearing him out after seven years. Had she talked it over, and decided to leave, that is different. But just waking up one day that he thinks is normal, and coming home to find her gone is something entirely different, and unworthy of efforts to get her back.
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Bingo. How can you ever trust that again? I'm not saying it doesn't sting, because I've been there too...but man, who just screws you over like that without talking it over first? See ya...count your blessings, it seems, that she didn't pull her psycho move after you had already proposed or, worst still, actually married that chick. There is a reason 50% of marriages end in divorce and it sounds like she is one of them.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Archean_Life
Date: December 01, 2008 at 12:04 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Andre3000 said:
Archean_Life said:
I've only read these last few responses and haven't kept up with everything in this post, but the thought occurred to me that in some cases, the reason for a woman to dump a guy that she feels isn't "committed" to her is because she fears being dumped herself and confronting that pain as the dumper instead of dumpee seems easier. That may not always be the case, of course, but I have seen and experienced many situations where poor communication and/or fear results in an escalation of misunderstanding. It's something to consider anyway.
Click to expand...
Relationships are definitely complex, especially those that have lasted as long as Iceman's. I like Arch's approach of giving ideas for things to think about, rather than some people who are saying "do this" or "do that" or "this is what obviously happened".
My analysis of the situation, for what it's worth (I'm going with "very little") is that it was really nasty the way she left. A Dear John note after seven years is pretty harsh. Does it say something about her character? I don't know her well enough to say.
If she really left because she was getting sick of waiting for Iceman to propose, I don't see how that problem could still exist if Iceman told her about the Christmas Eve plan. Did you tell her about the Christmas Eve thing, Iceman?
Arch seems to be suggesting that communication is the key and, if that's the case, I agree 100%. Have you found out exactly why she did what she did (all the reasons, if there is more than one)? Have you told her exactly how you envisioned the next little while going?
You may already be past that, as it seems like you have talked to her since she left.
I really hope things work out for you, man. You have more strength and power right now than you probably think. Try to remember that.
Click to expand...
Yeah - I'm certainly not condoning her actions. Breaking up like that is not justifiable. I'm just saying that miscommunication (or the absence of communication), as well as fear and insecurity can sometimes lead to poor decision making without their needing to be malevolence or cold-heartedness.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: The Green_Wombat
Date: December 01, 2008 at 09:18 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Andre3000 said:
Relationships are definitely complex, especially those that have lasted as long as Iceman's. I like Arch's approach of giving ideas for things to think about, rather than some people who are saying "do this" or "do that" or "this is what obviously happened".
My analysis of the situation, for what it's worth (I'm going with "very little") is that it was really nasty the way she left. A Dear John note after seven years is pretty harsh. Does it say something about her character? I don't know her well enough to say.
If she really left because she was getting sick of waiting for Iceman to propose, I don't see how that problem could still exist if Iceman told her about the Christmas Eve plan. Did you tell her about the Christmas Eve thing, Iceman?
Arch seems to be suggesting that communication is the key and, if that's the case, I agree 100%. Have you found out exactly why she did what she did (all the reasons, if there is more than one)? Have you told her exactly how you envisioned the next little while going?
You may already be past that, as it seems like you have talked to her since she left.
I really hope things work out for you, man. You have more strength and power right now than you probably think. Try to remember that
Click to expand...
First off Dre thanks for your analysis, and it does mean a lot to me because you took the time to sit down and try to help me out.
But i have talked to her a few times. the first time was via text, the second time i went to her parents house and we talked for a while. she said that she didn't really have a reason why she left, and i got the impression that the only reason why she left was because she thinks ill take her back whenever and that id going running to her with a ring. I asked her a bunch of questions, i asked her what the big deal was with getting married, i asked her how it was any different from living together,i asked her whats the rush in getting married when we have been together for almost 7 years and we will be together for the rest of our lives, and she couldn't give a solid answer to any of them. And then i basically asked her what the f--- her problem was. I pointed out all the good things and nice things Ive done for her, i pointed out all the times i was there for her and i brought up all the times that when she had nothing or no one to go to how i was the only one that was there.
After basically interviewing her, i told her about my Christmas eve plan, told her every detail, i even showed her the ring that i was going propose with. Before going to her house to see her, i told myself i just need one good reason why she left, and i need one good answer as to why it was so important to get married, that she would just walk away after this long, so i told her that.
My feelings where that she wanted to get married because that's all she ever wanted to do is get married and start a family, which is cool i could understand that, but i also go the impression that the other reason she was in such a rush to get married is because here sister just got engaged, My girl has always been jealous of her sister because she always got the attention and what not, and my feeling is she wanted to get married before her and get all the attention. She basically said that she was sick of everyone one looking down on her and that she wanted to be the center of everything.And i told her "that's just not a good enough reason for me. I'M not going to be some stupid pawn in a f---ing chess game".
So i made the toughest decision of my live and i told her that after 7 years and after everything i have ever done for you(which believe me, its been a lot, that's just a story for a different day) i felt like i didn't deserve that treatment, i told her i thought she was being selfish and inconsiderate. I told her how hurt and angry and upset i was/am. Then i made the point that the only difference between her and i was that i wanted to get married cause i love you and you only wanted to get married to show off the ring and be in the spotlight. So i gave her the ring, since thats all she cared about, told her it was over and walked away from everything. IM still not sure that was the right decision, I'm still really upset and i miss her more then anything, but at the same time i need to do whats right for me and her reasons for being together and getting married just weren't right for me.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: osubuckeye4
Date: December 01, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
First off, it's terrible that you had to go through something like this... especially so close to the holidays.
I'm not in the "telling people what to do" business, but I'm pretty good at looking over situations and offering suggestions.
You basically have four options right now:
1) You just write her off and go on with your life. You're 24, you just started a new job, you have your entire life in front of you (believe it or not, it's true). If you do this though, you gotta promise yourself you won't look back on it...even if she comes crawling back to you, which she probably will. Doesn't mean move right into another serious relationship... but just move on with life. Focus on your job and taking care of yourself and if the right girl does come along, don't let everthing that happened here trip you up.
2) You call her up and fight to get her back and don't take no for an answer. Explain your marriage proposal, tell her how much she means to you, blah blah blah. If you do this, be careful with how you go about it... don't make it an apology on your part with her just accepting it. Make her understand that she was to blame as well... she needs to respect the fact that you're going to do things at your own pace, and that just picking up and leaving is not ever going to be an option in the future for her when problems arise.
3) You turn into a gigantic a--hole. Call her up, tell her about the marriage proposal, then throw it all back in her face and start calling her names. If she says she doesn't believe you were going to marry her, show her the ring, then slam the box shut, slam the door and drive off. I mean I don't really recommend this, but it's always an option and you might feel a little better about her leaving. Countering immaturity with immaturity isn't the best solution, but it can temporarly make you feel better.
4) Call her up and talk it over with her with an open mind. Let her know you were really hurt by her leaving without even giving you a heads up. If she brings up the marriage issue, let her know that you actually were going to marry her, but now you really aren't sure about it (which I'm guessing is true). If she starts giving you grief about it, explain to her that it's just not easy to regain trust in someone who bailed when things didn't go her way.
---
Look, I'm about to be 27 years old and I've been engaged three times and about to go for number four. I've made just about every type of relationship mistake a guy can make. I've also done everything right in certain relationships and just caught a few bad breaks along the way.
The first time I was engaged I was 17, she was 23 and we had everything set up and were ridiculously happy. Then she gets a great job offer in Germany and takes it and I just wasn't ready to leave because I was just starting college. As much as it sucked to see her go, I knew she was going to be happier and I knew that I had literally my entire adult life ahead of me to find out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.
Second time I was engaged I'm 20 and so is she, litereally about a week after we pick out her wedding dress we find out she's pregant with my kid and we're both really happy. Her religious zealot grandfather isn't. He goes nuts and tries to kill her, but shoots her brother who gets in the way instead. After that she started doing all kinds of hardcore drugs and just became a different person. She has a miscarriage from the drug use and we call off the wedding just to work things out. I wasn't able to help her work things out and she ended up dumping me.
Third time I was engaged I was 24 and really just kinda spooked because of everything that happened in the past, so I repeatedly cheated on the girl I was engaged too pretty much from the get go. I slept with her best friend, her neighbor, her roommate her freshman year, sorority girls in her house, girls she didn't know... I mean, I was a complete scumbag. In a three and a half year relationship, there was maybe one month where I wasn't cheating on her. I don't even know how I popped the question with a straight face, but I remember convincing myself that I'd stop cheating on her. I did stop cheating on her and then when we got ready to start sending invitations out I realized I couldn't do it unless I was honest. So I just came clean with her because I couldn't go into a marriage with those kind of lies. She obviously dumped me and cancelled the marriage, which I can't blame her for. I picked my stuff up and moved out here to Chicago and started over. She tried to get back together with me and I just wouldn't have it because I had decided to start over fresh.
I've been with my girlfirend I live with now for about a year and a half now and I couldn't be happier. I don't cheat on her, I've learned how to say no to hot girls that I meet along the way who are interested and things are great and I've really never been happier in a relationship.
The only reason I bring all of that up is to show you that it really doesn't matter what happens... you can be the nicest guy in the world and get s--- on by unfortunate circumstances, or you can be the biggest jackass in the world... it's still possible to successfully rebound and be happy, but only if you make the committment to do so.
I'm not going to tell you that any one singular option of the things that I suggested above is the right or wrong way to go about resolving what you went through because I don't really know you. Those are the only options that you have at this time though and the longer you put off following through with one of them, the worse off you'll be in the long run.
The other thing you can do, which I completely suggest AGAINST... is going in a holding pattern and waiting for things to resolve themselves. They won't.
Oh well, hope some of what I said might have helped. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: osubuckeye4
Date: December 01, 2008 at 10:39 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Damn, my incredibly long post came too late!
Well, I think you did the right thing in the long run. You talked to her without any predetermined expectations in a real manner, got the answers you were looking for and made the decision that you think will work best for you in the long run.
All you can do now is just realize that this isn't a death sentence or a time to be sad, it's an opportunity to experience a new side of life and to find out more about yourself.
Just go about your life, try to be the best person you can be and have faith that it's all gonna work out and you'll be more then okay in the long run.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: The Green_Wombat
Date: December 01, 2008 at 10:51 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
osubuckeye.. although i'm still bitter that OSU smashed Notre dame in the Fiesta bowl back in 2006, i do appreciate you taking the time to write all that stuff and give your opinion. as i read what you said, i think of the 3 options you said i had, i think i did a little bit of everything. The one thing I completely agree with you on is that this isn't a death sentence and i just need to get over it. It helps a lot to hear other peoples situations and experiences so i know that this will suck for a long time but i will also be able to eventually move on and live a happy life..
Thanks a lot dude.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: phoenix-mma
Date: December 01, 2008 at 11:25 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
iceman22 said:
osubuckeye.. although i'm still bitter that OSU smashed Notre dame in the Fiesta bowl back in 2006, i do appreciate you taking the time to write all that stuff and give your opinion. as i read what you said, i think of the 3 options you said i had, i think i did a little bit of everything. The one thing I completely agree with you on is that this isn't a death sentence and i just need to get over it. It helps a lot to hear other peoples situations and experiences so i know that this will suck for a long time but i will also be able to eventually move on and live a happy life..
Thanks a lot dude.
Click to expand...
my offer still stands if you want me to send some "friends" to "visit her".....
J/K

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: osubuckeye4
Date: December 01, 2008 at 11:52 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
iceman22 said:
osubuckeye.. although i'm still bitter that OSU smashed Notre dame in the Fiesta bowl back in 2006, i do appreciate you taking the time to write all that stuff and give your opinion. as i read what you said, i think of the 3 options you said i had, i think i did a little bit of everything. The one thing I completely agree with you on is that this isn't a death sentence and i just need to get over it. It helps a lot to hear other peoples situations and experiences so i know that this will suck for a long time but i will also be able to eventually move on and live a happy life..
Thanks a lot dude.
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No problem man.
Just to clarify... When I say, "get over it", I completely understand it's not as easy as flipping a switch, washing your hands of it and moving right along. Obviously you're gonna grieve and reflect from time to time, and that's going to be normal.
It seems like you understand the spirit of what everyone who is trying to help is saying though and if you ever do need to vent feel free to hit me up on PM.
I'm not pretending like I know you or we're best friends... I just know that when I was going through some serious bulls--- the person I talked to the most outside of my father was my buddy Matt, one of my friends from high school who was on Fulbright scholarship over in Japan who didn't even know my girlfriend at the time or any of my friends in college.
It just helped to be able to talk to someone who I knew wasn't possibly going to relay things back or create more drama then there needed to be.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: johnnydrama
Date: December 01, 2008 at 11:54 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Good for you Iceman... you were that close to making a huge mistake man, atleast in my opinion. It's gonna burn for a while, you'll have trouble sleeping, shortness of breathe, stomach aches, and you won't even notice other freaks for a while... but it's all worth it at the end. I've been there but in my case I broke with her... for me it wasn't love anymore, I was just used to her.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: eazye
Date: December 01, 2008 at 01:25 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Seriously, good job on making that move. It was probably in your best interests to do that. I mean, 24 is a prime age. I know some ppl who got married young and wished they didn't b/c they missed out on their "prime".

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Ace23
Date: December 01, 2008 at 06:21 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Dude, get the ring back, not to sound selfish, but your not going to marry her or stay with her, no need to give her the ring.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Shaunissey
Date: December 01, 2008 at 11:56 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
AceTruth23 said:
Dude, get the ring back, not to sound selfish, but your not going to marry her or stay with her, no need to give her the ring.
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I second that. She isn't a princess, and you don't owe it to her. She is a person, just like you, and just like you, she doesn't deserve a goddamn thing other than the right to work her *** off for every penny she earns, just like you. Women are partners, and it is supposed to be equal, but somewhere along the way, we've got to believing fairy tales, and they have taken quite kindly to them as well.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: The Green_Wombat
Date: December 02, 2008 at 12:17 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
Shaunissey and AceTruth23:
I understand what you guys are saying, but i did it more to prove a point to her, and I'm not going to lie I'm kind of giving her a test.. The point i was trying to prove is that the ring shouldn't mean s---, it should be about the love and wanting to be with that person. As i said before i got the impression, that she did love me and want to be with me, but that she wanted to get married more because she wanted to be the center or attention and to be able to brag about it and show it off which is the way wrong reason to get married. I wanted to prove that she was just being superficial, and that me on the other hand doesn't give a s--- about a ring or what other people think, i wanted to be with her because i love her and don't give a f--- about anything else. So by me giving her the ring, it puts her into a position, where if she cares just about the ring and the title and what not then she will keep it and just do whatever, but if she does really love me and care about me and want to get married for the right reason's then she will give the ring back and tell me that she f---ed up and try to make things right. Does that make sense? or am i just losing my f---ing mind?

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Ace23
Date: December 02, 2008 at 01:38 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
No it makes sense. I get it. If it doesnt work out, I just think you could be with a new chick 2 years from now, saying damm I could use the money I spent on that ring. That would suck.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Shock-G
Date: December 02, 2008 at 02:24 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
AceTruth23 said:
No it makes sense. I get it. If it doesnt work out, I just think you could be with a new chick 2 years from now, saying damm I could use the money I spent on that ring. That would suck.
Click to expand...
Exactly.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: Big_Boy
Date: December 02, 2008 at 04:45 PM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
AceTruth23 said:
No it makes sense. I get it. If it doesnt work out, I just think you could be with a new chick 2 years from now, saying damm I could use the money I spent on that ring. That would suck.
Click to expand...
I agree with Ace here.

 

[Nastycrow]

Originally posted by: The Green_Wombat
Date: December 03, 2008 at 01:02 AM
Source: https://forum.mmajunkie.com/threads/i-am-f-ing-devastated.7808/

Re: I am f**king devastated...
well.. she stopped by tonight, gave me the ring back and told me that the only way she wants the ring back is if i ask her to marry her. she admitted she was wrong and apoligized for flaking out. She suggested that we go on a break and take some time away from eachother. Ive never been on a "break" in a realationship so i dont really know what to think or expect or what its even like. Any of you guys ever been on "break"? if so, has it worked out for the better and would it be good or would it just f--- things up some more.
I dont even know why im considering geting back together with her after she dipped out on me like this..